The Outcome? A big UNCERTAIN.

At 3:23 PM on Saturday, January 29, 2005

Having this very bad headache since morning. It must be my punishment for skipping school AGAIN. Anyway, got it after shopping with mummy. Goes shopping every morning with mummy. Probably that's hint I shouldn't do that anymore. Perhaps I should really get down to some serious studying. But that way my headache will worsen naturally for sure. Hmm.

Okay tomorrow's an important day for me. Whether I make it or not depends largely on how i performed. Feeling nervous, excited, worried, and definitely uncertainty within me. Argh butterflies fighting in my stomach! Help!

By,
CarysMummy

Guilty but Happy.

At 11:27 AM on Thursday, January 27, 2005

Today's really S L A C K. Reached sch at 220 when my lesson starts at 2. Had a break at 250 till lesson ends! So it's lk only 30 mins of lesson! Sat outside and had a chat with my wonderful classmates Eunice, Donald, Jinny, Nizhen, Leo and Edwin. This is lk one of e FEW times I actually chat with them. I've oways been labelled the dao and anti-social one u see. But today was really really great. It just feels I've made new classmates. Having found classmates I can really click with unlike last sem makes me feel that sch isn't so boring afterall. Thanx a million my dear frens! Suddenly I feel so so so so fortunate. To have my parents and sisters oways loving me, to have my dearest frens, BF and Shifu. Life seems so much happier and brighter cos of u guys. Love u all!

By,
CarysMummy

I'm just so fortunate.

At 5:09 AM on Sunday, January 23, 2005

Had the most wonderful night ever with BF yesterday. It was such a lovely and enjoyable night. I truly enjoyed and treasured every moment. BF drove me for dinner at Swensen's. Yes, BF just got his license but I must really comment on his driving. Simply powerful not forgetting he's a walking street directory! Really amazed me with his superb sense of direction. After which drove up to Mt Faber for a little chit chatting session. Walked around and later proceeded to Kent Ridge Park for a second part chit chatting session. The breeze, the stars, the sky, the scenery, the atmosphere and most importantly, the companion. Everything was just so right and in place. And not forgetting his pretty cool car too! Two thumbs up up up!!

I truly thank God for him. For giving me such a wonderful fren in my life. From complete stranger to acquaintance to now, a true fren always there for me. From when i first saw him at CDC last Jan, briefing for Youth Concert 2004, sitting beside me peeping at my paper, selling tix in the middle of Chinatown, completely shy to one another, little words spoken, occasional meetings at CDC, lost contact for a few months, contacted me again out of e blue for the trip to cambodia, spent 15 days together living under the same roof, eating the same food, slping on the same mat in a foreign land, giving me the chance to experience, gave me the most precious memories in my life, spent the last hour of 2004 together at the countdown, till now, it's been a year now that Youth Concert 2005 is here again.

The only guy who has taken the worst nonsense ever from me without a word of grumble nor showing any temper in return. The only guy whom I've once treated with my worst ever attitude but still stays true and forgiving to my actions and behaviour. The only guy who is able to make me feel really really guilty towards him after giving him all the shit. The only guy who understands my temperament fully and knows when not to provoke me. A guy ever so caring, understanding and forgiving. I'm really fortunate to haf met you. The best gift ever that God has given me other than my family. I appreciate you. I treasure you. I thank you.

*And Shifu, don't ever think I've forgotten about you. You'll always remain the best guy fren I've ever had. You know how much I value you.*

By,
CarysMummy

Too late?

At 9:01 AM on Friday, January 21, 2005

Back to the same old jasmine. No jogging today. Just mountains and mountains of food. Exercise craze over. That's me. Determination level negative.

A sudden feeling of enlightenment. Seems I've moved on. I love my family even more. Have I succeeded in transferring all my love to them? I guess I did. Telling myself everyday that I dun love him anymore does help. I'm free once again! Nothing can bring me down again.

I wanna be....

Am I too late for New Year resolutions? Hmm..

By,
CarysMummy

Holidays. Boon or Bane?

At 2:50 AM on Thursday, January 20, 2005

Holidays are really making me nua. When there's no holidays i'll try to give myself self declared ones. I'm really one difficult woman to please. Besides, holidays REALLY DO make me fat! Other than eating and eating non-stop, it's slping n slping after eating n eating. There goes another of my new yr resolution. Yes, I've indeed put on weight. Where has my determination gone to? Or rather do I have it in the first place? I wonder.

By,
CarysMummy

Argh I'm a snake!

At 12:26 PM on Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I'M PEELING!!! ARGH!! So painful!! N it's so ugly!! ARGH AAARGHHH!! Sigh. Ivan says nobody will ke lian me. So well, I better keep my mouth shut and stop whining.

*Sob in silence*

By,
CarysMummy

Feel so piggish.

At 11:55 AM on Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Today is such a nua day. Whole day feeling lethargic probably cos of yesterday. Went country club for tennis, squash, gym and sauna. I was totally shagged. Slpt at 8 last night. Woke up at 830 dis morning. Had breakfast. Ate a huge mountain of new year goodies all the way from 830 to 10. Can u imagine eating nonstop for one and a half hours? That's how much I ate. Putting on more weight. Argh. Den went back to slp at 10. All e way till 2pm. Woke up and eat again. Den went jogging at 345. Jogged 11km today! Managed to break record again. Ran in e rain. Wonderful experience. And now back at home. Fully energy-less. Gone.

By,
CarysMummy

Huge price to pay.

At 11:30 AM on Sunday, January 16, 2005

I'm all charcoaled. All thanks to the unfriendly Tai Yang Gong Gong. My shoulders' badly burnt and I'm really growling in pain. Can't even slp properly last night. It hurts. I've got a great contrast on my shoulders. A very distinct fiery red and white. Sigh. I'm gonna be real ugly this CNY. Mummy's really nagging everyday.

Caught e aviator last night with Teng Chye. Dear frens out there, I strongly recommend u all NOT to catch that. It's a real draggy 3 hours show and at e end of it both of us din noe wad's gg on. Ok maybe it's just us the brainless ones. Others seemed to be enjoying it. Haha. We dun understand probably cos we're tired. Yes we're tired obviously I wun admit we're brainless. Anyway, we enjoyed ourselves la. Discovered a little secret about Mr Ho. Haha. Really can't judge a book by its cover. Hmm.. To tink u actually dunno how to *****!! HAha. Okok. I'm mean. Forever stereotyping pple. Forever thinking guys SHOULD be able to do certain things. I'm so wrong. Hmm but dun worry Mr Ho, I wun tell anybody. Haha.

By,
CarysMummy

I feel 0.1g lighter.

At 8:53 AM on Friday, January 14, 2005

Just came back from my jog. Ran 8km today. Broke my personal record of 6.5km e day before. Shall try 10km tml. But the price to pay is getting myself charcoaled and getting my own problem back. My feet's aching lk nobody's business. I tink I've worsened it again. Wanted to go for a swim after e jog. Even wore the new 2 piece swimwear i bought yesterday oredi but din get to use it cos the pool is simply too crowded. How can I ever get a space to swim with my size? So i gave up. Ok i can predict wad mummy will say when she gets home n sees me. "Aiyo qi ar, new yr's approaching dun get urself so dark. Very ugly wan leh." Yes mummy. But the sun at 2pm isn't very friendly. I oso dun wish to look lk maid wan. Ok will jog in e morning tml.

By,
CarysMummy

Hates.

At 1:37 PM on Thursday, January 13, 2005

Okay I'm gonna skip sch AGAIN tml n fri. Hols all e way till e 24th. I just can't seem to keep promises. It's not even 2 weeks. Just so upset with myself.

10 things I hate about myself:
1. Low confidence.
2. Being so fat.
3. Having a flat, big, round, fat and ugly face.
4. Having flat nose, small eyes, crooked teeth and haystack-like hair.
5. Being lazy.
6. Being passive.
7. Never willing to take initiative.
8. Never dare to face problems.
9. My character.
10. EVERYTHING!

Okay i know i should not be complaining. U all will say at least I'm fortunate enough to be healthy as compared to the less fortunates around. But I've been living with these for so long and I'm really sad about it. Just let me grumble and complain and rant abit. I'm so dissatisfied with myself!

Ok done. Finished ranting. Continue with my fat-ful life. Life still goes on. Jasmine's fine. Back to normal.

By,
CarysMummy

An unspoken answer?

At 3:37 AM on Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I can't keep my resolution for the new yr. I'm gonna skip lesson today. It's only the second week of sch and I'm breaking wad I've set for myself. That's bad.

Had a dream last night. A dream with answers and indications. A dream that implies something. A dream that seemed to mean something. Perhaps it's all heaven's will and I believe it is. Somehow gotten the hint. Yes I still love him but so what? Love's not about getting and receiving all the time. It's time I learn to give. That's my fate. That's wad God planned for me. I take it.

By,
CarysMummy

Enough.

At 5:25 AM on Monday, January 10, 2005

I know and I KNOW it's time to move on. Pls stop telling me what I SHOULD do. Pls stop telling me what I've oredi know. I know it's concern and i truly appreciate but it does not serve any purpose or any help at all by telling me all these. It just rubs deeper into my wound. All of us know things are easier said den done dun we? I guess wad i really need now is encouragement and not telling me wad to do or what i should do. Thanx but I really know.

By,
CarysMummy

Back to the cruel reality.

At 2:53 PM on Sunday, January 09, 2005

Yes I know wad I should be doing. Knowing that he's now happy together with someone he love deeply is enough. It's a fact that he'll never be mine again. There's nothing more I can ask for. It's time I wake up. Though it really hurts, I believe time will heal my wound.

By,
CarysMummy

How should I be feeling?

At 12:17 PM on Saturday, January 08, 2005

Had a long talk with him yesterday. Clarified things that should have been said long ago. Once thot I no longer feel anything for him after that painful 9 mths but I was wrong. All that were said last night kept circling in my mind when I ran the 5.2km and swam the 30 laps this morning. There wasn't a time today that I wasn't tinking of that.

Many occasions I thot he's being replaced finally when someone stepped in. Even that time when the crush on wy was so strong that I thot I've finally moved on. Finally came to realise I'm wrong last night. I have not stepped out. Not a single bit.

I started asking myself lotsa questions today. Half the time I wasn't concentrating on wad the lecturer was saying. That's why I couldn't answer any of Jinny's qns.(Sorry Jinny!) I wonder if things would be better if nothing were said last night. I wonder if things would be better if nothing was clarified.

Now that it happened, it left me with the very same feelings I had a yr plus ago. With the pain doubled now. I told myself I wouldn't wan to go thru all these again but it still happened. I feel that I'm sort of lk in Donald's situation now. But the diff is I'm never brave enough to face it. To escape is all I know to do. I feel miserable. There's nothing I can do. It's all too late.

Heartache is all I'm feeling now.

By,
CarysMummy

First for 2005.

At 1:55 PM on Friday, January 07, 2005

Ok shall update since Mr Donald's complaining I'm lazy. Well, new sem started. Nothing much. Nothing extraordinary. Nothing great.

Sentosa Countdown 2005

Got this offer to help out at the countdown from BF. Had lotsa fun and laughter. A definitely great and memorable countdown together with BF and my sis. Wonderful. Will never forget. Thanx BF! For oways being there for me and everything. *Hugs*




Group photo of all the helpers. Fun-loving peeps! Spot the Chiobus! So pretty. Was bio-ing them all the time. Opps. But really so damn chio.






The girls at the back stage.

By,
CarysMummy

Lunch on Sunday all prepared by mummy.

At 4:11 AM on Saturday, January 01, 2005




Whole table of food all prepared by mummy.






A plate of fruits. Mummy likes to make them beautiful.






Meimei's share. Chicken chop with a sausage and hashbrowns and little veg cos she doesn't lk e veg but lks hashbrown.






Da Jie's share. Chicken chop with lots of veg and no sausage.






My share. Dun lk chicken so i have fish! With lots n lots of veg! Mummy knows me best!






Doesn't they look yummy? Daddy's share has got a sunny side up. Sweet Mum..







By,
CarysMummy