At 11:11 AM on Saturday, September 16, 2006

Why did I get myself into this entire shit? Why didn't I just settle with the one who loves me so much? Why did I choose to fall for someone who has absolutely no interest in me? 被爱是幸福， 爱人是痛苦。How true. First it was Ivan, now him. But Ivan still remains the love of my life. Even till now. I want him again but no longer possible.

I don't understand what's all these about wanting to protect me and the friendship. If so, you wouldn't tell others about it. And do you think that by keeping it all the while then saying it out only now helps? And what's all these about not wanting me to be embarrassed? You chose to keep it from me when you knew what's going on but do you know that if you'd told me earlier, at least I can stop blogging or talking about it and make myself looked so ridiculous. Well of course, you are not the one who will feel embarrassed ultimately so why do you have to care? And you just enjoy reading the silly entries I posted about you and had such a great time laughing at how I made a fool of myself. I was merely a free entertainer to you. At the end of the day you have nothing to lose and in fact you are just so proud about the fact that someone likes you. You can just laugh it off with your friends and it wouldn't even hurt. But what about me? I got my feelings involved and in the end what do I get? Do you all know how it feels when everyone knows what's going on except you and here you are continuing to blog about stuff and there people can't wait for the day to come to tease you with it? It just feels so much like the greatest fool on earth i tell you.

If you really considered me as your good friend, why did you keep things from me? You claimed you meant well but why did you continue to tease and simply can't stop reminding me about it? And the very fact is you knew everything! Why did you? Are you really anticipating a show? A show where you see me sink deeper each day and on the other hand you already knew long ago nothing's gonna work out. Shouldn't you warn me earlier and help me get over it if you really were my friend? Why did you then constantly rub into it? I really do not understand.

I used to so look forward to Thursdays because I can have lunch with you people. But now no longer. I even dread going to school. I can't differentiate who are the true ones now. But one thing for sure, I really wanna thank Donald and was truly touched by what he said. At least he's someone I can pour my troubles to and he understands. Just feels really good to have a friend like him. Not forgetting Juntian as well. Though he knows nothing, but I could feel his concern. Some people just don't have to do alot. It's just the little actions and they are more than enough to warm my heart. Thanks alot guys! I really appreciate.

By,
CarysMummy



At 2:40 PM on Thursday, September 14, 2006

Sometimes you just don't need a someone who talks to you everyday, you just need a someone who understands you whenever you need a listening ear. And I found one today. Thanx alot my fren. Really appreciate it alot.

I've never thought of affecting anyone in the process but I still did. Believe me I really din mean what I said at all. My sincere apologies. The last thing I wanna see is people around me unhappy but it still happened. Sigh. Just what can I do?

My body reacts to stress and unhappiness by conducting an eating binge. But it feels worse after that.

By,
CarysMummy



At 10:14 AM on

What Phoebe told me today really brightened up my day. These are the words that gave me the encouragement I needed. It just feels so good to be recognised and all my effort paid off. But I'm really tired.

By,
CarysMummy



At 7:12 PM on Wednesday, September 13, 2006


conversation with my colleague

By,
CarysMummy



At 7:12 PM on


cont..

By,
CarysMummy



At 1:48 PM on Sunday, September 10, 2006

I thought I wouldn't be so affected by this but I was wrong. If I wanted others to know I would have done it myself. This isn't the first time it happened. Plus many other things. My little sis is the only one who understands, who could sense my unhappiness. Noone else would. Thank God for her.

Sobbing quietly in the middle of the night, lights off in the room, making sure noone saw, pretending nothing happened just didn't help things at all. The only biggest consolation I get is I'll always have my wonderful family by my side. My little sis, who is my confidante at all times, my adviser, someone who could sense when i'm unhappy, my companion. Thankfully I have them.

I just feel that nothing else is real now. You just won't know if someone is true to you or pretending all the while. Or betray you or stab you from the back. Perhaps things isn't as simple as what it seems. Even a 16 yr old could sense it. Just tell me if i'm wrong? I feel a sense of betrayal which is a totally sickening feeling. I feel dumb for trusting. I regretted fully for not keeping mum about it. I'm just plain stupid. My sis could think of that but why didn't I?

I don't want to be miserable and upset anymore!

By,
CarysMummy



At 12:32 PM on Saturday, September 09, 2006

I just do not have a good heart. I hate this side of me. I'm unhappy with myself. Extremely.

I suddenly miss morning prayer and singing hymns in SAC.

By,
CarysMummy



At 2:15 AM on

Had sweet dreams the past 2 nights. Both times it was the same person. Both were oh-so-sweet I wished i didn't have to wake up. Couldn't remember the first one but the second was rather vivid. He told me the reason why we couldn't be together earlier was because of Karen and Grace. Absolutely no idea who they were but a strong feeling tells me they represent those 2 things which i 've been thinking about but I won't say them here. It's just strange how vivid these 2 names were. After which he held my hand and we started running. Story later were not as vivid. Very sweet indeed but woke up and realised everything is just a dream. A dream will always be a dream. Sweet but unrealistic.

Donald is right. How will I able to let it pass when i keep talking to him? Shall refrain from talking to him now. I think I did well yesterday though.

Had my very first teleconferencing meeting with the US people just now. Was told to sit in but I was totally lost. Absolutely no idea what they were talking about.

SHIFU!!! CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?!

By,
CarysMummy



At 4:28 PM on Thursday, September 07, 2006

Dear Eunice just told me that we have actually only 2 weeks left to term end which reminds me that I should really treasure the remaining little time I have with this lot of wonderful people. Just how time flies.

It's amazing how his position remains even till now. It's been long enough.

The first time in 10 mths that I have so much unfinished work and to think I actually did non-stop. Unfinished work in office makes me unsettled.

Been having insufficient sleep lately. Found it hard to focus.

By,
CarysMummy



At 12:22 PM on Friday, September 01, 2006

Que Sera Sera,what ever will be , will be
The futures not ours to see .
Que Sera Sera,
What will be, will be
Yes whatever will be, will be.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!

By,
CarysMummy