Come what may.

At 12:44 PM on Monday, July 25, 2005

I guess I should really stop harbouring impossible thoughts. I jolly well know it's impossible and still allowed myself to fall deeper. I brought this upon myself. The result of no self restrain. I can't deny the feeling gets stronger each time but I just got to refrain. I guess that's the only way now.

By,
CarysMummy

Some are really true.

At 3:33 PM on Sunday, July 24, 2005

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

By,
CarysMummy

I will be fine.

At 3:18 AM on

Driving along the expressway blasting sad songs seems to be what I enjoy doing now. The long journey really sets me thinking. Although I can choose to be happy or sad but most of the time I let my emotions rule over me. I'm still trying to change.


After reading Jinny's blog, I feel as if she's talking about me. ( Extracted from Jinny's blog: How does it feel... knowing you can't have the person yet you found yourself helplessly in love with him/her? Not a good feeling, definitely. Love always will never be within your control. ) Something that reflects what I'm feeling now. Why do humans always get troubled with matters of the heart? I wish it doesn't affect me.


Lessons this week are the best ever since I started school. Good lecturer plus good concentration I had though I admit my thoughts wandered off for a while in between but still managed to come back. Finally not some lost sheep in class. Let's just hope it remains like that till the end of this sem.


Saw a motorist flew off his bike on my way home the other day. Ouch! That's quite scary and left me in quite a shock for awhile. Had phobia when bikes come near me.


Me and mum were actually frightened by a kitten this morning. We were practically screaming and running like 2 crazy women early in the morning with the kitten chasing behind us. It's seriously quite a scene with people turning to look at us. But it's really scary I tell you. Mum got so scared she held on to my hand so tightly that it actually left me with 2 scratch marks bleeding. That's how scary it was.

By,
CarysMummy

Thoughts and more thoughts.

At 10:25 AM on Monday, July 18, 2005

I know I tend to think about things a lot. But ever since I know this group of people, I think about things even more. And why do I feel troubled when I start thinking? Should I even start thinking about those things? Are those my priorities now? Will others feel that I'm thinking about things that are too far away? Am I thinking too much again? I should stop dwelling on something impossible, be realistic and move on strong.

Indeed I think my perspective of things now have changed. I like this change though. All thanks to the wonderful people. They made me change my way of looking at things somehow. For the better of course. To the extent I kinda felt older. I won't say I'm mature but maybe older than my age? I don't know. The weird thing is I can communicate better and feel more comfortable being with people older than me rather than people my age. Weird.

And I think they have become so part of my life that sometimes whenever I see nice things or nice places they will come to my mind instantly. I'm just happy and look forward to being with them.

A million thoughts running through my mind now but I'm unable to tell you and I won't tell you. Trying to master the skill of liking someone isn't about possessing. Wish me luck.

By,
CarysMummy

Well..

At 4:03 PM on Sunday, July 17, 2005

Somehow it just feels like things have changed.

I do not like this feeling I'm having. Not at all.

Am I falling deeper? I hope not.

I know I have to let go and step back.

I've been trying to control and it seems it worked for a moment.

Is it back? I hope not.

It is not easy.

I just gonna try. Real hard.

By,
CarysMummy

Just some thoughts.

At 4:14 AM on Monday, July 11, 2005

It's been a week since the sem started. 3 weeks since my birthday. Nearly 2 months since Ms Mak got married. 5 months since I started working at Southeast CDC. A year since I started at SIM. Everything just seemed like yesterday. How time flies.

Several memories came back for the past few days. First it was the times in SAC. Out of a sudden I recalled the times when the basketballers will gather at the back of the canteen after school and that just becomes an area well known to be reserved for us. The many trainings and camps and tournaments we had. The attention I received then was something I enjoyed alot. Well, those WERE the glamorous days. Next came the TPJC days. Though not as happy but I did enjoy myself there. I still missed it afterall. Missed the days I had him. Then came the cambodia trip that was truly unforgettable. Words can't describe. However all these WERE the days. Memories they are now.

I'm beginning to like this LITTLE change in me. Less eruptive, able to tolerate more. I guess my classmates already had a certain impression of me that I do not really want them to think that way. Well I do not blame them cos right from the start that's what I seemed to be to them. Just let time tell.

By,
CarysMummy

Tomorrow will be a better day?

At 1:47 AM on Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Yesterday was the first day of school after a relatively long break. Just tell me why did the feelings I had last sem come back all over again? Does it ALWAYS happen to me? And indeed I'm making myself really unhappy.


I find it hard to be myself in class. Found it hard to bring out my true self. Perhaps I do not even know what's my true self. I do not hate the class. I just hate what I'm studying. I do not dislike my classmates. I just do not know why I'm a different person infront of them. It's the first time I'm hating school that much although I know I will miss it after 2 years. Anyway I just got to hang on and do some self-motivation.


If I have a choice, I do not mind turning the world into an all gals environment. No guys would mean no troubles. This is the stage I've finally reached. Learning to let go is something I've got to master real soon if not I'll never climb out of that hole I've dug for myself and had fallen in eventually. I really hope to come out of it soon.


The fact that I'm big-sized now indeed contributed to my unhappiness. And I hate the fact that I have absolutely no determination about it letting it bother me. I binge, I can't stop and I HATE IT to the core.

By,
CarysMummy

Should I?

At 2:06 PM on Sunday, July 03, 2005

He appeared in my dreams again. This time together with his gf and my family. Having a meal on the same table in a restaurant. How weird. And I guess I know what that implies. I will not dwell on that anymore. What's past is past. Currently I just hope I won't fall deeper and deeper. Need an emergency brake and someone to pull me back.

Gotten a letter from NUH for my braces. Dilemma. Should I or should I not? I really do not know.

I've been trying to be a better person. To curb my temper and show less of my attitude. To be a better daughter, sister and friend. To be more tolerant and understanding. To be forgiving and kind. Though I know it doesn't seem I've changed abit but i've been constantly reminding myself. Pls give me more time.

A new sem is starting and that marks the end of my holidays. For this holidays, besides working, there's one very very happy thing that happened to me and made this entire holiday such a fulfilling and unforgettable one. That is, knowing this bunch of wonderful companions-the E&H company. Although there's also unhappiness between me and my mum because of this, it is in fact a blessing in disguise. To be able to give my mum the assurance she needed. That I've absolutely no regrets knowing them, and that she can be 200% relieved that I'm very well taken care of by the most fun-loving, righteous and reliable group of people, the most precious and cherished gift given to me. Now that all things have been cleared, back to normal and in fact better than before, I'm just so grateful for everything that happened. I'm happy beyond words can describe.

By,
CarysMummy