At 3:09 PM on Thursday, July 08, 2010

I just love buying shoes....

By,
CarysMummy



At 11:40 PM on Saturday, July 03, 2010

Procrastinated for the longest time and i'm finally back in action again. Lots of long overdue updates which doesn't seem quite necessary now already. We all look forward, not backward. So yea, I'll probably update a little on my recent movements for the benefit of those wondering if i'm still alive. Yes, Jasmine is still very much alive.

Workwise, started at ML for 2 months already. Honestly, I miss Citi. For its work. For it's people. Even for my boss. I know many people esp ex-citi ones have been telling me how foolish i am to be missing Citi. But i really do. Culture at ML is different. I won't say it's bad cos at least people are really nice. Probably I still do not feel the sense of belonging yet. Although work is somewhat similar, it's not really something i enjoy doing. In fact it feels like a waste of time daily. I remembered I used to love operations alot. What's happening to the things I like to do now? What do I really like to do then?

Healthwise, hasn't been any better. My usual neck/spine is giving a hell lot of problems. Looks like it's here to stay for good. It's been a year since the problem aggravated. I even lostcount of the times i visited the clinic and hospital (family clinics, chiro, physio, chinese physician) and the number of painkillers and muscle relaxant i've taken. I've been visiting the chiropractor regularly. Time and distance was a great barrier but I still went anyway. And now what, I'm suffering from injured nerves as told by chinese physician that apparently the chiropractor overdid it. My right hand feels pain and sore and weak. So? What am I supposed to do next?

Thoughtswise, overwhelming. There's been alot, too much in fact. Been doing alot of self reflection on things, on relationships. They are all drowning me one by one. I've no idea if it's age. I start to think differently about many things and feelings have changed. To begin with, I've been the worst girl around. Fickle and goes by feelings totally. I'm slowly being destroyed and destroying others. If i can, i really hope that i'm the only one who suffers in this entire episode. Spare the innocent ones. I've been really selfish all these while. Been the one on the receiving end all the time. Failing to spare a thought for others. Now has come the time I wanna be alone. Yes alone. Marriage has been what i've been looking forward to, but that was 2 yrs ago when I acccepted the proposal. Now, I'm really tired. Feelings have changed and I just want to be alone. But I jolly well know that this decision is gonna affect alot of parties because this relationship is no longer one involving just the 2 of us. He has all you're looking for in a partner, someone you can entrust the rest of your life. Just that I'm a feelings creature. A very horrible one. Now i'm very much stuck in a cross junction not knowing which way to go. I'll never want to hurt you. But in the process get myself hurt. Probably getting myself hurt is the best way out in order not to get innocent parties hurt as well. All i wanted was just to be happy. I needed to find the reason to smile again....

By,
CarysMummy