A chat with sis.

At 2:43 PM on Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Finally managed to have the long chat I used to have with Da Jie. Ever since she started work, communications with her has been reduced to minimal. I hardly see her at home let alone have a chat with her. Well, we managed to catch up a bit on sat night. Talked about relationships and stuff. About the 90% a man has vs. the 10% he lacked. And about temptations exposed to if you see the 10% present in another guy. It really takes a lot to accept a person for who he is. Frankly speaking, I still can’t. Sis was telling me about the 10% she feels is lacking in her bf. However, I think it’s already very good that she keeps the 90% he had in mind and continued the relationship this long. For me, the only thing I can see is the 10% that is missing. I know very clearly that no one’s perfect. But I believe there will be someone whom in my eyes is perfect and he may not be perfect in other’s eyes. I’ve yet to find my perfect guy. And unless I feel that he’s perfect, I will not accept anyone even if he’s only 5% away from my perfection. If I do, the man will be such a poor thing eventually. So I guess I better not do harm to anymore pathetic poor souls out there.

I fit the story of the blade of grass perfectly. Eventually I will be single and lonely. We were discussing about this in the car on sun. Mum says they can’t possibly take care of me for so long and that I should find a companion if not I’ll be really lonely should my family leave me. That very instance, my reply to her was, if so, I’d rather not live so long. Then my years of loneliness will not be that long. I was telling her this and tears were rolling from my eyes. I realised I really cannot live with loneliness. I fear loneliness. I fear the day when I’m all alone. I really cannot imagine what will happen to me. Perhaps I do not need my friends that much but I definitely cannot live without my family. During the chat with sis, I told her how I broke down when all of them left for Genting in May leaving me alone at home for 3 days. Then she asked me, what if one of us leaves you? I couldn’t answer. Tears just came down and we ended our long conversation. I do not wish to think about it.

Enough of unhappy thoughts. One of the ways to eating healthily is to keep spirits high! Only then we will not tend to binge on food. Something I read from a magazine. I must have been really unhappy all these while that’s why I’ve been binging non-stop. Anyway, one of my brackets fell off when I was chewing nuts today! Chew chew chew then chewed on something really hard. Took it out and realised it’s my metal! Can I sue Camel not ar? They did not clear the shell properly. Is that under negligence? No? Did I mention I suck at all my modules? Ah yes, I worry for my results indeed. Another month plus before doom falls on me.    

By,
CarysMummy

I'm such an ungrateful girl.

At 3:39 PM on Friday, October 21, 2005

Suddenly I miss this one person very much. Not that I’ve not seen her for a very long time. In fact I see her everyday in the office. I just missed the times we used to spend together. Someone I’ve so taken for granted. Someone who always takes care of me. But in return what she got was ungratefulness from me. I feel guilty. Really guilty. I regretted very much saying those things to her that kind of ended the relationship between us. I wanted so much to tell her I’m sorry but words just doesn’t come out. And I guess all’s too late now. Although I see her almost everyday, things are just different now. I miss her companion in the office. I miss talking to her. I miss telling her things. I just miss her. If ever you happen to read this which I do not think so, just wanna say I’m really sorry and hope my ‘ah yi’ will come back to me one day.

I have to admit I’ve been a really bad friend to all. I chuck them aside when I don’t feel like entertaining anyone. And yet I know some friends will always be there. It’s just like taking them for granted which makes me such a shitty thing. I guess I just don’t treat friendships that seriously. But I do really hope for close friends whom I can share stuffs. I think my friendships just doesn’t last or rather I didn’t make any effort to make them last. I suck at keeping friends. Guess I’m just not worthy to be anyone’s friend. To all my friends out there, I’m really sorry.  

By,
CarysMummy

What can work do to a person?

At 2:20 PM on Thursday, October 20, 2005

I’m having a headache again. Just what is the cause of it? It gets really unbearable. I’m sick of work really. How I wish I can stop work this very instance and even if it means to stay at home all day long I think I’ll be happy. I can go for a jog/swim every morning at 9 and then hang around at home with mei. That would be nice. I wouldn’t mind that really. But well, I guess that’s not possible. Realistically speaking that’s not right. But I really want a break from work. Can I?

By,
CarysMummy

Nostalgic.

At 4:24 PM on Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Exams are finally over. It’s only the first day of holidays and I think I’m starting to miss going to school. Suddenly missed my classmates. I start to fear how life’s gonna be after we finally graduate. It will be scary to even think about it. Working life is really monotonous. It’s the first day back at work for the entire day. I’m starting to feel lifeless really. School is still the best. Sad to say I’ve only one and a half years left. I wonder what lies ahead.

Been having lots of misses for lots of things lately. I know you won’t be reading this anyway. Really missed times spent with you. Whenever I think back, heartache hits me hard. I try not to think but it just surfaces naturally. I feel like a silly cow. Anyway, whatever. Things will not be the same ever again no matter how hard I think about it. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve missed out the best things or people that are right beside me all the while? And just that I’m so trapped in this world of mine that I failed to appreciate and cherish all those around me. Just how many innocent souls I’ve hurt? I’m sorry all.

I wish school will start soon though I hope it will drag longer before I really step out into this realistic world. Therefore I hope as well it will not end so soon so starting later means ending later but I can’t wait to go back to school. I’m such a contradicting cow.

Headaches seemed to come pretty frequently these days. Is it stress or plain thinking too much?  

By,
CarysMummy

Miss Grumpy

At 12:45 PM on Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Exams are really approaching near and I’m still not really prepared. For 13 years of studying life with countless of exams and tests, this is the first and only time I felt what is stress. Or rather felt very afraid and worried. All I’m asking for is just a pass to proceed on to the next stage smoothly. I just hope to finish this course without having to repeat any modules along the way. Just this simple wish of mine. I have absolutely no confidence in any of the 4 modules taken this sem. Seriously know nuts about any of them. That’s why I’m extra worried this sem. I know I have only myself to blame for not attending lectures diligently, not attentive in lectures, did not make any effort to understand fully what has been taught, and plus the no interest and no knowledge at all in this course made things worse. I just know I have to hang on no matter what. This is not the time to chicken out. I know I simply can’t. A wrong choice made but I have to continue by hook or by crook.

Read something on the papers this morning while having breakfast. It’s something on horoscopes. Though I’m not really obsessed with horoscopes but I do believe in it to a certain extent. This time is about the dark side of the horoscope. It commented that Geminis are people who will Chu(4) Chu(4) Dian(4) i.e. ‘give out electricity’ wherever they go. The more detailed description is when a Gemini is interested in you at this point in time, he/she is thinking of how to attract another one at the same time. I interpreted it as not being devoted and I see it as something bad. And the worse thing is, it’s true. Even mummy agrees it’s true. I hate to think that it’s true because I’ve always wanted to find someone whom I can devote my love and time to and not ‘play’ around. However it seems that someone hasn’t appeared.

Just who can make me fall deeply in love? I wonder.

By,
CarysMummy

Farewell, Camelia.

At 9:35 AM on Monday, October 10, 2005

One of my favourite colleague in cdc is leaving today. Really sad to see her leaving. I’ve known her for about a year since I started working here. The first impression she gave me was pretty unfriendly and daunting but after mixing with her she is just like a sister to me now. From a stranger to a sister, feel really sad I’ll not be able to ‘bitch’ around with her anymore. No matter how reluctant and sad to see her leave, I’m still happy for her for she’s found somewhere better. All the best to you, Camelia, will definitely miss u loads.
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Camelia and I.

By,
CarysMummy

Farewell, Camelia.

At 9:13 AM on




    

By,
CarysMummy

I really don't like this.

At 8:50 AM on Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I think stress is causing my weight to shoot tremendously. Or is it because I have not been eating when I extracted my teeth and now when it’s healed I can’t control my excessive eating thus causing my weight to increase few folds? It must have been the latter. Well, just hope that the extraction of my wisdom teeth on Friday will change my eating habit. I desperately need to lose weight. Really.

Something’s weird. Whenever mummy sees him, she gets quite excited. But why? Why when everything’s over? I guess she’s the only one who understands me. She knows how I feel deep down even though there was a constant denial. Perhaps a self denial all along. I am really sorry for breaking my promise to put everything behind. I simply can’t. I did try, but have not been able to succeed. I know I shouldn’t make empty promises but it’s really not easy. I hate myself for not being able to forget, for not moving on and for hurting those who care. Whenever I see him, feelings rekindle. And knowing it’s never possible between us, I really do not wish to have anymore feelings for him. Please let me forget him totally. Please!


By,
CarysMummy