At 2:06 PM on Saturday, August 12, 2006

What happened this morning has affected me quite abit.

I think I feel tired and stressed out but i'm in no position to feel that way. Everyone sees me as the most relaxed person and that I should have no stress. Even when I told sis I'm feeling stressed, she just laughed with a 'are you sure?' expression. Okay, so I should be the last person who can feel the stress in their eyes. I'm not even sure myself if that is stress i'm feeling but it's definitely not a nice feeling.

At work, I always give a "Sure! No problem! Yes I can do it!" attitude infront of my colleagues. But fret when i'm back at my workplace looking at the work which i confidently promised I could do. I just so much want to show i'm capable of doing things and sometimes too hard on myself. I could simply just say i can't do it but i refuse. The sense of achievement upon completion is something i constantly yearn for. Many times i give myself unnecessary stress. I'm just doing peanuts as compared to others. So why should i be complaining and come on, i'm in absolutely no position to complain! Perhaps it's the increasing workload and the many many things i have to remember at work that is causing the need to let out. I will and should be fine.

And to the one all of us love dearly: 我真的希望你再也不要常常把死挂在嘴边。请你想想听的人的感受。真的很不好受。虽然我知道你最了解自己的状况，但是我们都很希望你不要再说那些消沉的话。听了真的很难过。

To think I didn't know how to react to her words but just cried infront of her. I couldn't hold back my tears when I looked into her eyes no matter how hard i tried to fight back my tears. I guess i'm just emotionally too weak. I hate it when she's always trying to prepare for the worst. The fact is we are all too reliant on her. She's really too too tired. I really hope she can take a good rest soon. We all love you.

And to the other one who we love deeply too: I know sometimes we really misunderstood you and that you really meant well and cared for us and whatever you do you have our well-beings at heart. We really know and appreciate. But we find it so hard to talk to you. You seem so daunting and 高高在上. Many times we do not know how to react to your questions. Have you changed or have we changed? Is it so hard to close the widening gap between us? I know it's possible because you really love us and we love you too.

I'm upset. But I won't bring it around with me. I won't revert to the jasmine I used to be. I want to be happy.

By,
CarysMummy